Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Wounded in Battle


by guest blogger Susan Peterson

 

Dear MMs,

There has been something on my mind for a while now.  I think it needs to be addressed, and I think Susan Petersen is the one to do it!  I met Susan months ago when she joined the Missionary Momma's FaceBook page. When her son went home, we became close sisters in the Gospel!  She private messaged me through several hospital stays... I love her...I look up to her...and I respect her opinion! ~Heidi


 

 

Wounded in Battle
 
So, Heidi asked me to share what I know about ERM’s. It’s a relatively new term, but not something new. Being an ERM is hard! Being the mom to an ERM is hard! My son entered the MTC in August 2013. He loved the MTC and had some great experiences there. He was to serve stateside, so he was only in the MTC for a little over a week. When I talked to him from the airport, ready to head to his mission, he was ecstatic! He was ready to go! He has that kind of personality. He’s very outgoing, confident, happy, and loving… At least he was. I knew he was struggling on the mission. So I did my duty, fasted, prayed, attended the temple, sent uplifting messages, talked to the Mission President, and prayed some more. I finally got an email from him that said, “See ya soon!” Later that afternoon I received another email. It was from the mission home with his flight itinerary and I was floored! I cried, like for days! And I’m going to be honest, unless you’ve gone through it, you don’t understand. You can be sympathetic and try to understand, but it’s just one of those things.
 
He had been a missionary for 12 weeks! Twelve weeks! I didn’t understand, and still don’t. All I know is that, through my tears, the Elder that got off that plane was just a skeleton compared to the one I dropped off.  His head was down, the light was gone from his eyes, and he was afraid to speak. It was heart breaking to see! He cried, I cried, younger brother and sister cried, and I cried some more! This was the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life! Harder than burying my 4 year old nephew. Harder than watching my dad die of a brain tumor. It was completely out of my control and I wondered what I had done wrong! What had I forgotten to teach my son? Did I support him enough? The worst part was the rumors and pity looks that I would get thrown my way. Everyone assumed he came home because he wasn’t worthy to go in the first place!
 
He had been going on 45 minutes of sleep for over 8 weeks. He would have panic attacks so bad that he would stop breathing. We stayed up that night, for most of the night, because he couldn’t sleep without having an attack. His scared little boy eyes looked at me and begged for me to help. It tore my heart out! He wouldn’t talk about what happened and was so hard on himself. He still is his toughest critic and that’s hard to watch.
 
What I’ve learned since November is this. It’s okay. It’s not the end of the world, though I felt like it was. He’s lost and feels alone, but I need to be there to find him always, to be there for him, but he needs to come to me. He has the option of going back out clear up until he’s 24 years old, but if he doesn’t, that’s okay too. I found a ton of quotes on adversity, heartache, and struggles. I searched websites, read articles, and talked to a lot of people. These are humans! They are a child of God! Act normal. Ask them about their service. Talk to them. No pity, sad looks, etc.  Bottom line: he had a willing heart to serve. He was endowed in the temple. The Lord assigns the place they will serve, but the computer assigns the default time 18/24 months. “It is anticipated that you will serve a period of 18/24 months.” Isn’t that what the call says? I’ve come to believe that those who choose to come home are valiant servants. They were willing and that’s all the Lord asks of them.
I’m not an expert. Every child is different. Every situation is different. I found peace by praying, attending the temple, reading articles about ERM’s, and being validated in my feelings. I still have tough days! It wasn’t supposed to be like this! Yes, I’ve adopted other missionaries. But I want to write to MY missionary. I want to anticipate Email Monday. I want to see his plaque on the wall every Sunday when I go to church.
 
“Every early release missionary should be proud of his or her contribution and willing heart. I was told an analogy that has struck me inside again and again. In the military, the view of completing missions and of wounded comrades is quite different from our view of similar situations in religious missions. If soldiers rush into battle and are wounded on their first mission or 50th mission, they are treated the same. They are given medals. They are applauded for their service, no matter how long. Their brothers and sisters at arms risk their own lives to rescue and restore those soldiers to their homes. No one looks at them differently. No one says, ‘Well, you didn’t really help the war effort, did you?’ or ‘Toughen up, man. It’s just a bullet.’ These brave men and women are honored and respected for their service. So should it be with missionaries. We were willing to go where the Lord asked. Sometimes we get hurt. All we ask for is acceptance and love. We return with dread, hoping our partial offering will still be acceptable to those we care about most. My hope is that every missionary will be loved and respected. With your understanding and support, it can happen.” ~http://earlyreturnmissionary.wordpress.com/
 
 
What I wish I would’ve known. Go to the airport with signs and banners. It’s a homecoming and should be acknowledged as such. He hugged me at the airport and said, “I’m sorry I couldn’t stick it out Mom.” And I don’t have any pictures at the airport. I can’t get that back! Give lots of hugs. Let people know a head of time so they don’t have to try to mask their shocked faces or accidentally say something offensive. I was angry thinking he had just given up! As more of the story comes out, I feel horrible. Be open and receptive. Rather than praying for him to get back out there, I should’ve been praying that his testimony stays strong. I have since learned the error of my ways! I pray for his testimony and that he will be able to continue his mission wherever he chooses. I felt so alone and isolated. People would say it’ll be okay. I thought, “NO IT WON’T!” But it is and life goes on. It still stinks, but has opened my heart to be more compassionate and loving.  I love my son. I love missionary work. I love this Gospel. I pray every day to better understand the Lord’s plan for me, and hope that one day I will.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
This was the day he went to the MTC. My mom cried more than I did. I thought maybe that was his problem and I didn't love him enough!
 








 
 

 He was never going on a mission. So when he came to me in March with his packet all done and submitted, I was floored! That being said, I still never thought he'd go and figured that until we drop him off, he could always change his mind! Once we dropped him off, and the younger sister is the only one that shed a tear, I thought we were home free! Him coming home never even entered my mind to be honest. I was always worried about him not going at all, not coming home early...

 

I didn't shed a tear until we got home, and that was because I was praying to my Heavenly Father, thanking him for answering my prayers. I love and supported him 100% but it was a huge relief to have him totally in the Lord's hands.  Maybe his coming home wasn't for him, but for me!

 

Susan Petersen :)



 


 

22 comments:

  1. Great story thank you for sharing. I am kind a dealing with a similar situation. My niece is dating a guy who came home about 9 months early and her dad is really having a hard time with it. I feel it's between him the Lord and her if he wants her to know. It's no one's business why they are home. I feel he is an RM no matter how long he was out. Good luck and God Bless you him and the rest of your family!!!

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  2. Great story thank you for sharing. I am kind a dealing with a similar situation. My niece is dating a guy who came home about 9 months early and her dad is really having a hard time with it. I feel it's between him the Lord and her if he wants her to know. It's no one's business why they are home. I feel he is an RM no matter how long he was out. Good luck and God Bless you him and the rest of your family!!!

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  3. Thanks for sharing this tender journey. I'm so sorry that your son is struggling with anxiety. It seems there is more and more mental health issues poping up these days. The thought also came to me that your son hadn't enthusiastically planned to serve a mission but had a change of heart and went. I've had times in my life when I had certain things that I feel the spirit has prompted me to do and the journey hasn't had the outcome I expected but the journey has given my GREAT growth. I pray that your family can grieve heal and recognize the growth that has come from his missionary service and that he continues to find joy in serving in the kingdom.

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  4. Candi Brundage: brave momma! Brave son! Prayers for you both!

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  5. Thank you so much for sharing!!! I needed to read this, because of things that happened on his mission my son is struggling and has talked about quitting and coming home. I needed to read this and know that it's ok for him to come home. Thank you so much!!! Much Love to you and yours. God Bless you for being strong enough to share!

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  6. So beautifully said and important for everyone to love hug and support all our ERMs and RMs alike.

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  7. Susan, thank you for sharing your story and the things you have learned. For sharing your tender feelings and the things that are close to your heart. I do believe that there is still a plan and sometimes it takes a while to unfold. Yes love your son with all your heart and unconditionally. He may not go back out but it will be okay. Our Heavenly Father has a way of teaching us through our children and through the process we can help others with our experiences. I love the title "Wounded in Battle" I truly don't think we know how hard it can be for these missionaries. It is a battle and harder for some than others but they are still victors. Thank you again for sharing.

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  8. Your insight will help many people know how to work with an ERM. Thank you so much for sharing your pain and triumph.

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  9. Thank you for sharing this touching personal story. It will help so many. Prayers to all our missionaries and Mommas! Lori Williams Potts

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  10. They prepared, they left and they will spend the rest of their life serving our God in some capacity as they honor their priesthood. Whether it was the best 2 years or the best 2 months our Heavenly Father knows our hearts and blesses every effort in building the kingdom. It takes courage to serve and continued courage to continue to serve. There is a real need to change some attitudes of ERM. This article is an excellent insight as to why we need to give the elephant in the name a more honourable name right? Well done :). Nicole Boaden

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    1. Oops lots of typo's in this and hit publish not preview. haha would you mind removing it please. Ta

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  11. They prepared, they left and they will spend the rest of their life serving our God in some capacity as they honor their priesthood and covenants. Whether it was the best 2 years or the best 2 months our Heavenly Father knows our hearts and blesses every effort in building the kingdom, during and after a mission. It takes courage to serve and continued courage to continue to serve after they return home. There is a real need in the church to change some of the attitudes on ERM. This article is an excellent insight as to why we need to give the 'elephant in the room' a more honourable name right? Well done :). Nicole Boaden

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  12. Thank you so much for this post! My niece married an ERM, and frankly we've never asked him why he came home early. (I think he had a stomach issue, ulcer or maybe a parasite, but I'm not sure.) I wish he felt comfortable talking about it with us, but he doesn't really even though it's been 15 years plus. I think it's important to support these ERMs no matter what the reason. They've served the Lord and done their part and be honorably discharged.

    On a personal note, my son struggles with anxiety and I worry about him and his ability to serve a mission. I guess that's a bridge to cross when we get a little bit closer. Right now I'm trying to get him through his junior year of high school without strangling him. *Smile.*

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  13. I love this post, it gives me really good perspective. And makes me realize that we need to change the culture of the church with regard to this issue. And it starts with us! Thank you for sharing.

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  14. Thanks for sharing your touching story! :)

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  16. Thank you Susan! This was a very inspired perspective and something that I wish all Latter-day Saints could understand better. This will definitely help many MMs, including myself, more than you can comprehend.

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  17. Thank you for sharing. My son in law and my middle son were both ERM. Both of them came home early from the MTC and both with different stories. They have had there scars and battles since there return. Life has dealt them with challenges. Some of judged them wrongly not knowing there story some have treated them poorly. My job as a mother and mother in law is to be there and love them no matter what. We are not here to judge but too love. We are human and have our thoughts and emotions but the Lord is there for us and can help us through prayer. A full time mission is not for everyone there are other missions in this life! The Lord knows are battles and there for us all. Love unconditionally and all will be well. Hugs!

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  18. Susan,
    My daughter had the same story almost down to each detail. She ended up in the hospital after being out 3 months because she had so much anxiety she could not breath. A lot of what was going on I did not know about until she was being put on medications. She was home about a week after I found out. Luckily, I did make a sign and take a picture at the airport. I was so afraid for her to come home because I really did not know what to expect. She was very low key. She was so angry, it was very hard to know what to do for her. She was not ready to give up. So she went to counseling and 3 months later is serving a two transfer mission locally, close to her counselor, to see if she will be able to continue on the full time mission she started on.
    When she came home I thought it was sad that there was nothing mentioned about her service and no one asked her to speak about her experience. I pray that she will be able to return, because that is what she wants, but I am so proud of her for the service she has given already. Your son has time and may return to missionary work, if not now then after he is married. It is all according to Heavenly Father's plan, so I guess Faith is the cure for our pain. Prayers for you and your son!!! I loved your story!!

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  19. Thank you for sharing this very personal and difficult experience. I have a son who is serving and is struggling to keep up with all that is expected of him. This was such a great reminder to me to stop worrying if he will be able to stay and become a successful missionary. He will be most likely to be able to overcome his challenges if I am loving and supporting him unconditionally. Reading this helped me to recognize other times in my life when I have focused too much on helping my children accomplish things and not enough on just loving and supporting them.
    Thanks again for sharing your tender story. I hope and pray for peace, healing, and understanding for your son and all of your family.

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  20. Thank you for your story. You are so right if you haven't experienced it you can't understand. My missionary entered the MTC never having experienced anxiety before. He was in the MTC for 5 days when I got my first phone call. It was his branch president on the phone. He explained to me that my son was having some issues. This went on for 4 weeks. Every day there was a phone call. My son didn't want to come home but the MTC was telling him he should. We did not agree with them. We sent him on his way to the mission field and that was the best decision ever. I know that is not right for every missionary but for us it was. I was an emotional wreck for those 4 weeks. I still get very emotional and upset when I think or talk about it. I am so sorry you have had to deal with this. My heart breaks every time I hear these stories.

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  21. I love this story. My son came home in February from out of the country with chronic strep throat and tonsil issues that ultimately turned into a staph infection. The tonsils came out immediately but he didn't get better. The headaches and tiredness lingered. We did all sorts of tests and found out he had contracted mono there as well. It has been a slow recovery for him. I'm happy and grateful every day that he is home safe and recovering as he should be. As a non-practicing member of the church I personally look at it a little different because it's not something that I was preparing for him to do his whole life. He served an honorable 11 months and I couldn't be prouder of him.

    I especially liked the quote from the ERM that compared them to military. What a fabulous analogy. Thanks again for sharing.

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